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Your Sex Personality:

Circle the answer which is the closest match to you. Oh, it’s on a computer, paper and pen time then!

1. It’s Saturday night and time for that special date. What do you wear?

(a) Something smart which shows off my physical assets and underneath, new pants (just in case)
(b) Something tight, sexy, made of rubber or PVC, handcuffs, a gimp mask and a 12 inch dildo in a holster
(c) Comfy, if somewhat aged, off-white thermal underwear, lots of outer layers and a balaclava
(d) Forensic overalls, latex gloves and paper shoes
(e) A leather collar

2. The last time I had sex was...

(a) By myself, with some porn, while my partner took the to the park
(b) I’m having it now, typing with one hand
(c) What? With someone else? Hmmm, let’s see, Thatcher was Prime Minister
(d) When I was hiding up a tree, watching you undress ‒ damn me, that squirrel had a real purdy mouth
(e) In the street, this afternoon, surrounded by shouting throwing stones

3. I made my last partner scream by....

(a) Turning on the hot tap in the kitchen while he/she was in the shower
(b) Caressing his/her body lightly with my lips and tongue, stroking them until they begged me to make them cum, then taking a vibrator and...
(c) Wiping my naughty bits on the curtains
(d) Stabbing him/her 86 times in what was described as “a frenzied attack”
(e) Biting his/her tail

4. I think about sex....

(a) On Saturday night, just before bed time
(b) All the time, actually I’m thinking about it right now....and touching myself...and I’m at work, in an open-plan office.
(c) When Countdown is on and the letters include E, S and X
(d) When I’m stalking my next partner and rifling through their bins
(e) When I’m not thinking about sniffing bottoms or chewing slippers

5. How many sexual positions have you tried?

(a) 3
(b) Last night? 987 (988 if you count missionary)
(c) There’s more than one?
(d) Hahahahahahahahahaha
(e) I only do “doggie”

6. After sex I like to.....

(a) Have a nice hot cup of tea with a chocolate hobnob
(b) Snuggle up and murmur sweet nothings, building up to some really dirty talking whilst caressing him/her/them then start all over again until I collapse in a state of orgasmic exhaustion.
(c) Place my arse on my partner’s leg and break wind
(d) Polish all the handles and tops to remove any fingerprints, burn my overalls and paper shoes then clean the knives
(e) Have a really good shake then pee up a lamppost

7. My best asset is...

(a) my sense of humour
(b) my firm and fruity buttocks
(c) a very nice beige cardigan
(d) my mad staring eyes and demonic laugh
(e) a cold nose and glossy coat

8. Sounds can be very erotic, what noise turns you on the most?

(a) Having my partner murmur, “I love you” while we’re making love
(b) Being told I’m a nasty with a really hot **** and juicy ****
(c) The sound of hedge clippers on a Sunday morning
(d) The voices in my head
(e) A sort of throaty growl with a little bit of whining

9. My friends would describe me as....

(a) Funny, caring, honest, loyal, grounded
(b) A horny, ****ing, ****, *****, sl**
(c) Quiet, keeps very much to him/herself ‒ we never thought he/she’d do anything like that
(d) I don’t have friends, the voices are all I need
(e) Yappy, nippy, bad tempered, distempered

10. The sexiest sight I can imagine is....

(a) Soft lights, candles, roaring log fire
(b) A 135 person gang-bang orgy, with an audience
(c) A well cut lawn
(d) 3 people, chained up in my cellar, wearing ball-gags
(e) My owner’s mum’s leg.

Now tot up your scores and check below to see your sexual personality type:

Mainly A’s? Pretty normal, nothing to worry about. You have to work a bit to keep a sex life going but really, it’s ok....honestly. It’s fine....really.

Mainly B’s? You grab life by the balls, bind them in leather and then suck on them. You may have an itch, or a rash, or a loyalty card at the local STD clinic. However, you’ll probably start an orgy there as well so what’s the problem. You will never be lonely or cold.

Mainly C’s? You have a lovely garden, focus on that.

Mainly D’s? There are lots of people out there waiting to meet you....Interpol, The FBI, Special Victims Unit and New Scotland Yard’s elite Serial Crime Squad to name but a few.

Mainly E’s? You’re a small yappy dog, how did you manage to switch the computer on?

What do i win...?